Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Lots Of TV and No Lunchie Makes Chuck Something Something...

Due to the current Lunchie deficiency in the apartment, I watched both volumes of KILL BILL over the last couple days. (Beats using my own tears for lube, that’s for sure.) I'm just confused by Beatrix though. Is she Pro Life or something?

Oh, who am I kidding. You’re still trying to get that mental image out of my head, aren’t you?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I'm Not A Poet And Boy How We Know It

Working a mid really sucks, especially when I have to open the next morning. Waking up at 9:00 isn't so bad, but I feel like my entire day is wasted because of it. I say this because what I've come to consider as my time (1pm - 5pm) is spent at work doing nothing. In the last couple of months business has slowed to a trickle and several hours may go by between customers. On the days I'm scheduled to work a mid I spend more time telling people how to find Big River than making coffee. When I actually get a chance to do the job I was hired to do I usually have to deal with the, "I really don't like coffee," people. (Skip right past the obvious question of why they would come to a coffee shop and ask for coffee. I can't figure it out either.) These people usually are lousy tippers too.

It's next to impossible to read at work. I've found that I get fairly irritable when I get interrupted too often. So if the phone rings or a customer walks in...

See? This just happened.

Some lady in what has to be her early 40s came in and wanted to buy some ice cream and check her e-mail. No problem, except there was a man and his two small boys already on the store computer. The man didn't buy anything himself. He simply came in and asked, complete with the all-important word please, if he could look up something for his son. The computer wasn't being used, the store has been a ghost town for weeks, and I couldn't think of a good reason to be an asshole so I said, "Go crazy."

When the lady came in she looked at me with what appeared to be a half-lidded glare of condescension, so you can tell we got off to a great start. She pointed accusingly either at the man or the please limit your computer usage to 20 minutes sign and demanded, "How long has he been here?" He may have been on for 20 minutes for all I could remember, but I wasn't about to kick off a non-customer for another non-customer. I just asked what kind of ice cream she wanted.

No answer.

She just stood at parade rest and stared at the computer. I offered to let her use my computer since it wasn't doing anyting important. "No, that's ok," she said. For some reason she wanted that computer. No other computer on the planet would do. The Perky Piranha Customers Only Computer and only Perky Piranha's computer could fulfill her needs. Eventually she got fed up and left. All of this took place over, maybe, 3 minutes. And of course the guy and his kids left shortly after she walked through the door. I wanted to put my fist through the microwave.

People are fucking bizarre. I really pitty those who think I'm weird. I know I'm pretty fucked up but I also know there are crazier people out there. That lady just made the list.

And now the shop isn't a ghost town. Now there are six people hanging out. All of them were polite and tipped - not well but they smiled as they did it which, to me anyway, means more.

What I was trying to get at before all that stuff happened was that one of the things I find very difficult to do at work is read. We're not allowed to sit even if we're drowsy from watching all the tumbleweed blow by. If I'm going to read a novel or something that doesn't have frequent breaks, I have to be able to allow myself to give it my full attention which means sitting and not being at work. So I need something shorter and less involved.

Essays tend to be too long, short stories too, and I get tired of reading the news every day because papers are written in such a boring and perfunctory manner. That's one of the reasons I like message boards so much. They're often very brief conversations. Sometimes they provide useful information...most of the time they don't. Much like work, however, the message boards I read have been drying up and they just aren't so fun or interesting any more. So I've been reading poetry.

I came across this poem today, and thought I'd share it with you because, to keep this short, I really like it. That was the entire point of posting and it got a lot longer than I wanted it to. Hey, at least it passed the time. Woohoo! Two more hours till freedom. So here goes, then I'm out.

The River of Life by Thomas Campbell

The more we live, more brief appear
Our life's succeeding stages:
A day to childhood seems a year,
And years like passing ages.

The gladsome current of our youth
Ere passion yet disorders,
Steals lingering like a river smooth
Along its grassy borders.

But as the care-worn cheeks grow wan,
And sorrow's shafts fly thicker,
Ye Stars, that measure life to man,
Why seem your courses quicker?

When joys have lost their bloom and breath
And life itself is vapid,
Why, as we reach the Falls of Death,
Feel we its tide more rapid?

It may be strange - yet who would change
Time's course to slower speeding,
When one by one our friends have gone
And left our bosoms bleeding?

Heaven gives our years of fading strength
Indemnifying fleetness;
And those of youth, a seeming length,
Proportion'd to their sweetness.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

See, Holly? I'm Tryin Here.

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of chewing on a Ferrero Rocher or sinned against the gods so heinously as to be forced to actually swallow the fucker, then you know a misery I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Well, maybe select few but it’s a short list. My first encounter with what I now call “Shit Balls” was when Barker brought some back with him after our first Christmas in college. I remember Andy and Shane didn’t seem to care. Come to think of it Nathaniel probably brought them down because whoever gave them to him couldn’t stand them either. I imagine it was one of those cliché “pass the fruitcake”-type things you see on sitcoms each year. I look at what goes in them, factor in Italy’s crushing victory over France at the World Cup, and still can’t figure out why I can’t stomach them.

Long story short, I’ll never forget the vile shit-taste of those things and renew my vow to avoid them like meatloaf, tofu, and ADPi.

Anyway, the point of all that was to remind you (*clang* as *ring* if *jingle* there *jangle* was *ding* a *ping* chance *annoying* you *motherfuckersoutsideeverygoddamnstore* could *justfuckingSTOP* forget *bling*) that it’s Christmas time and that I’m always irritable this time of year. You need some reasons why? Just read my post from last year. Much of it is as true today as it was then. If you don’t know how things have changed, you haven’t been paying attention and need to either call me and “catch up” or simply admit that you don’t give a shit and get fuckin. I don’t need to hear you do it - just do it.

I went to Florida for a few days and it was fun. I’ll recount all the sexy/nonsexy details later. Then again, look at the immediately preceding post and you can see just how far a promise I make here will get you.

So I'll keep it simple and vague.

There is a lot going on even if my days aren’t filled with activities that produce a measurable result. There’s stuff gong on “up stairs,” if you’ll bother to catch my meaning. Just because I’m not running to my keyboard every time a synapse fires off it doesn’t mean nothing is happening. Maybe I just don’t want to waste your precious interweb experience by whining. Ya ever think of that? No. No you didn't.

Like I said, Christmas is crashing down all around us and I’m feeling about as cheerful as an abused pit-bull. So don’t let my moping ruin your fun. Take a good look and see why I wouldn’t have been much fun at Erin’s tonight. Consider it my (and mostly my employers’) gift to you.


I miss you all like a Pat Robertson misses the camera after a long day of filming Satanic Children's Bukkake…


I meant when he gets home from work. Like the 700 Club.

Silly me. They're so similar.

I’m going to Hell.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Two Quick Things

First: if you didn't know about this dude, edumicate yourself. I saw a thing on PBS (I think) about that cat and he was one cool dude. I know he could have taken those Wright Brothers in a fight. I almost wish he had gotten into fisticuffs with them. That'd really have been a historical treat. Too bad about the way he checked out.

Second: Yep. A good read. Just goes to show that you shouldn’t believe everything you read. Except, of course, for when I put it in my major author paper an say I told ya so more than 100 years later. If I could high-five ya, Jules baby, I would. But I’m trying to keep my keyboard clean.

I'll have that update I promised tomorrow. At least that’s the plan. Work as been a fucking dog this week and I don't feel like being overly poetical right now. Besides, you have some reading to do.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

A Follicular Predicament

Stay with the present course and aim for a full Dreyfuss or go for something that makes me look a little less homeless? As much as the Depardieu appeals to me. I'm thinking the Hurt is more my thing.

I'll have a real update of goings-on later in the week. For now, consider the situation and avail me of your wisdom.

I await your admonishment and/or distress.