Monday, March 06, 2006

Fuck Me, Kate - A Play in 69 Acts.

There are good days and then there are bad days. Friday and Saturday were good days. Sunday was a bad day, only because of the hangover. (Rhys, thanks again for lunch. I owe you one...and that case of beer. Don't think I've forgotten.) But back to the good stuff.

My old friend Kate came down from New Hampshire with he boyfriend, Justin. Sort of a relationship test drive, I guess. You guys probably never met her, but we were on the rowing team together and she was the only female member of the "Chuck's Fantastically Awesome Drinking Team And Shit." Of the 4 members of the team, she and I were certainly the most mature. Mike has moved to Nashville and hasn't been able to carry one an intelligible conversation with me since he left. Andy...well, when his unit got called to Iraq, he transferred to UTK so he wouldn’t have to fuck a bunch of him. Yeah, I'm still in touch with quite a few (mostly former) members of the rowing team, but Kate is the only one who was old enough to be my drinking buddy on a regular basis.

I'm gona get all Barker on you guys here, but I've got a really good excuse for calling Kate my "sister," even if it is a little roundabout. See, unlike Barker, our mutual affection didn't come as the result of a strikeout. (Damn, that sounds harsh, but has some truth to it. Sorry buddy. I wish you many fat and happy children with the new bride. Put in two for ol’ me.) If anything it was pretty much agreed from early on that we were sort of into each other and all I had to do was make a move. Hell even something as stinkerific as "Hey, wana make out?" would have done the trick. And here comes my goodly excuse: I cared too much about her to subject her to my company. Ok, quit looking at me like that. It isn’t some idiotic plea for sympathy. It’s the God’s truth in the name of the father, amen. And in my mind though, I believe it was the absolute best decision I've ever made.

Here's the thing, and I think I've stated it previously but I feel it's worthy of repetition - after Amber I've had a serious problem with trust. No, not sharing my overly squishy emotions with the women folk. Hell, I'm an asshole because I have the bad habit of being brutally honest with complete strangers and ladies get no special treatment there. I don't trust myself, see. That's the problem. I passed up what could have been a great relationship with Kate because I could not be trusted to do the right thing as turned around as Amber left me. Head up my ass? Perhaps. But…

Remember Christina? I think that entire episode speaks for itself. If you were around, you get the idea. So if you hear me speak bitterly about her, you have to realize that I hold no animosity towards her at all. I can cop to it. It's all redirected anger at myself. See, I could hook up with her because I didn't care very much about her. Our entire time together nothing grew, which is why I had no qualms dumping her on Valentine's Day and felt like such an asshole about it later. Ah, guilt! It's also why I kind of subconsciously sabotaged any chance I had with Jen. I don't think I can take being with someone I don't care about, no matter how much I’d like to fuck them. And at the same time, am terrified as hell of screwing over someone I do care about. So, this is why I've been content in being single for what...3 maybe 4 years now? Hell I can’t even keep track any more.

But all this is why I was so pleased to have Kate back for two days. I'll never forget the night before she left, when we were on the stairway to her Lockmiller apartment and she was crying like a baby. She told me how lonely she was and how she was afraid she would never find someone. It sort of speaks to the loneliness I’m feeling now, but for her it was kind of different. It always is different for other people. To see how happy Justin makes her was an overwhelming joy for me. It really was great. It says there’s hope for me, but most of all it was a confirmation that I was correct in that original assumption that it was best to deny us our immediate gratification for the greater reward of an enduring friendship. And let's face it, I love being right.


At 10:51 PM, Anonymous Holly said...

That last sentence made it perfect.


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