Wash, rinse, and repeat. It’s pattern and repetition. It's something, I think, we all desire in some form or another. If it’s going to work every day and paying the bills, for you, that’s glorious. If it isn’t, go out and fucking find it. For me, the meaning is everything. It isn’t the What or the How, it’s the Why. Why keep the lights on? Why take the shit job? Why talk to that girl over there? Many times I spend so much time thinking about the Why that I completely miss what’s happening.
It’s been three years of distraction tacked onto seven magical years of illusion and misdirection. I won’t say that my long tenure at UTC has been time wasted. In some ways it has been, sure, but out of all that shit I got a few things that made it all worthwhile. But the big one is a marketable trade or something to sell. I didn’t get that. I take that back. I did get that…maybe…I just don’t think I’ve developed it or even recognized it fully yet.
Contrary to the popular view, I haven’t been spinning my wheels for three years. It only seems that way, and believe me, I know - I’m living it and it has sucked. I’ve always felt that big decisions and big changes are painful. I can just see your eyes rolling and the word “DUH!” forming on your lips when I say that breaking away from the patterned responses we develop is incredibly difficult. It can be conscious or unconscious. (Well no shit…) Well, kiddies, most of the time we don’t make it even if we want it really, really, bad. But it does happen, maybe once or twice in a lifetime, or more if we’re lucky or incredibly persistent.
A few of you know I’m on the raggedy edge of something big. It’s much bigger than just that, too. It’s a step in the direction of a dream I had in 3rd grade. The whole thing seems foolish and even silly, but it’s absolutely terrifying which is how I know it is both a big deal and right. If you aren’t afraid of the dark in some way, why keep the lights on? If you aren’t a little nervous in the interview, you don’t need the shit job that badly. If your balls don’t jump up inside your body and knock your heart into your throat when you’re talking to the girl, you don’t like her enough. It’s why we can’t go from A to C without first hitting B.
I see this move as a step in the right direction. Both ideas are a little too uncertain for me to talk about very openly, and I apologize. But when I know more, have a better understanding of the details, and when the picture seems clearer, I’ll be more open about it because I’ll have more to say. The Why is sorted out, so my eyes are open. I can see what’s happening in front of me now.
Where I’m going with this is that I’ve made some big decisions and, at this point, it’s all just a matter of breaking out of some of my patterns. Once I do that, the hard part is done.